She was oddly calm on the phone and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Her voice barely wavered, but for a second, it was also my own voice and in that cold strength I can feel the pit deep in her stomach. The dark spot that just got a little bit bigger as it constricted tighter. He was gone after a long struggle and much pain, it was mercy, it was peace, and it was just life going in circle. I cried my tears yesterday, I felt that moment of passing even from the other side of the world, as I could feel her relief and anguish. You can’t appreciate what it means to do a full rotation and still find yourself surprised just before you arrive back to where you started, not until you’re there. I can’t hold her close to me now, but I send all the love that I can imagine to hold straight to her heart and soul, and hope she can feel it the way I feel her.
Unconditionally and forever loving you.
I would never say that I want a normal 9-5 job but sometimes working as a model can be so utterly frustrating. If you’re not working and just going to castings, you are constantly wondering how it went and when you will book something. The uncertainty is a killer (not mentioning how mad your wallet is at you). This week I have a different problem that is slightly more welcomed however. I was living in London for the first part of 2014, but got words from my agency in Milan that I had important and strong options coming up (if my booker says it’s a first or strong option, I can usually assume I booked it if I have worked for the client before). Initial thought: HELL YES. But here is what has transpired, I needed to be back in Milan for a couple jobs on a Friday that would last for approximately 3 weeks straight, so I was obligated to purchase a new ticket back earlier. The day before I am leaving, Milan says ‘I’m sorry amore, but the option is off, they choose another girl..’ My thought: fuck fuck fuck. What I actually said: I’ve already got the flight and those other options so I’m still coming back, see you soon. Milan’s response: Yes, great! Actually you have also an option in Paris next week, this is okay for you? London says: Hey we have 2 jobs for you next week! My responses: Sorry London, sorry Paris, I have to go to Milan, I already confirmed work for them.
Okay, so now I have arrived back in Milan, but guess what. The job did not materialize! How fan-fucking-tastic is that! It means that I spent extra money I didn’t need to, to fly back for a job I didn’t have, to also give up 3 viable options. So maybe I couldn’t have done all the jobs, I would have been forced to say no to at least 1 or 2 unless I somehow invented a way to be in two places at once, but god damn it. My livelihood is being fucked with and the worst part is that they just don’t care. None of them care. As long as there is a girl from their agency in the job so they can take the money from it, nothing else really matters. That’s my beef. There isn’t much point in crying over spilt milk, and there is not much I can say to them because it was my decision to which jobs were prioritized, but it doesn’t annoy me any less, just lays my annoyance in multiple places. The silver lining, and there is always is one, is that I’m still waiting to hear back for other options and a very good friend from my hometown in Canada will be here this weekend. If I had of booked any of these jobs I wouldn’t have been able to spend a kick-ass time with her. SO, c’est la vie!